Headline of the Day

"Salvador Dali’s Mustache Still Perky After 27 Years In A Coffin."

They exhumed Dali to gather DNA evidence for a paternity suit. The exhumers had to resort to a saw to remove a piece of Dali's embalmed body to get to bone tissue.

Headline of the Day

"Stun gun wielding scooter bandit on the loose."

Scooter Bandit is what I'd name my rock band, I think.

Headline of the Day

"Trump: I’ve Never Asked God For Forgiveness For Anything."

Given Trump's ego, I'm sure he feels that God is required to ask The Donald's forgiveness, I expect.

Headline of the Day

"Tourniquets now available at beach stands."

WRIGHTSVILLE BEACH -- Lifeguard stands at Wrightsville Beach are equipped with new tourniquets after a donation from North American Rescue.

This probably in response to recent shark attacks at nearby Oak Island, in which two swimmers had arms bitten off.

Headline of the Day

"Cambrian penis worm had throat full of teeth."

Penis. Worm.

Headline of the Day

"There are planty [sic] of ways to recycle Christmas trees."

One way we did it in Florida when I was growing up was to tie a concrete block to it and dump it in the lake with the other old Christmas trees, it made a great habitat for speckled perch (Black Crappie). No better-tasting panfish exists on this planet.

Headline of the Day

"MASTER DEBATER: Wendy Davis Attacks Abbott With Dildos."

Headline of the Day

"COLOMBIAN WOMAN PLANTS POTATO IN HER VAGINA AS A CONTRACEPTIVE."

Medical staff at a central Colombian hospital were shocked after they found a potato wedged in the vagina of a 22-year-old woman, according to Cosmopolitan.

The girl reportedly sought medical attention due to severe abdominal pain. She was given a pelvic exam and a nurse discovered a germinated potato with roots growing inside of her uterus.

Apparently, her mother advised her to use the spud as birth control. "My mom told me that if I didn't want to get pregnant, I should put a potato up there, and I believed her," said the unidentified patient.

Gee, thanks, Mom.

Just Change Two Words...

...and this article could be about race relations in the US:

"God knows, the Scots have every right to be fed up with the English. But their big problem is their own sense of victimhood."

Just substitute blacks for Scots, and whites for English.

Headline of the Day

"3 women arrested after twerking in Beaverton."

Really. Beaverton.

Headline of the Day

"Kansas man accused of cutting off man's head with guitar string."

Carry on, my wayward son.

Headline of the Day

"IRANIAN MAN DOES NOT WASH FOR 60 YEARS, SMOKES ANIMAL FECES."

Why do they need nukes when they have him? Just parachute him into Times Square on New Year's Eve and it's all over. Pic:

Headline of the Day

"Student, 19, sliced off his own penis after stabbing his mother while high on meow meow and was found hanging out of a window with blood gushing from his groin."

Way to go there, Oedipus.

Headline of the Day

"Nigel Farage 'expects' apology from Tory MP Anna Soubry after she says he ‘looks like somebody put their finger up his bottom.’"

Ain't UK politics entertaining?

Anti-Climactic Headline of the Day

"Black bear walks into a Colorado bar."

I Immediately read the article, but there was no punch line. You bastards!

Here's the video, in case you care to see a bear in a bar:

Headline of the Day

"Obama on spying: I am not Big Brother."

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Headline of the Day

"Britain's oldest pet dies as tortoise that survived two world wars passes away aged 130 after being bitten on the leg by a rat."

That's the sort of headline that makes you wonder if your own life is going to end that pathetically. A T.S. Eliot of a headline.

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Headline of the Day

"Mississippi Courthouse Has Sneaky Snake Invasion."

Non-venomous snakes are slithering into a Mississippi courthouse this spring, posing no threat but giving workers the creeps.

Five of the brown DeKay's snakes - sometimes called earth snakes - have been found in the Hinds County circuit clerk's basement office since April 8.

A deputy clerk, Kelly Phillips, said Thursday that the largest was a big around as her finger and a few inches long. She didn't stop to measure it. She said the smallest looked like an overgrown earthworm.

Former zookeeper Percy King, who does reptile shows at local schools, went to the courthouse to identify the serpents. He said DeKay's snakes, which eat lizards, worms, crickets and other small bugs, have soft teeth that probably couldn't even break a human's skin.

Headline of the Day

And your chance for sarcastic comments:

"California lawmakers drove less, saved money without state-paid cars."

You may fire when ready, Gridley.*

Headline of the Day

"The Weekend Word: Marriage."

Ah, yes, mawwiage marriage: that blessed event, that dweam dream within a dream...